Harry Potter and the Sorcerers Gravestone
by Chilibob
Summary: The real story of Harry Potter, which is much different than the stories you've probably heard about him. And definately more rediculous. But you deserve to here the true story so here it is...
1. Chapter One

** Harry Potter and the Sorcerers Gravestone**

**Chapter One:**

**The Boy Who Lived (in a cupboard)**

There once was a boy named Harry Potter. He lived with a very unattractive family who did very unattractive things. And though they lived in a fairly large house Harry had to sleep in the cupboard under the shed in the backyard which is probably why Harry was a short-tempered person who enjoyed screaming. On this day the family was sitting down to breakfast.

"For Dudley's birthday we are going to a small uncomfortable shack in the middle of nowhere!" said uncle Vernon a very large ugly drill seller.

"Yay!" said Dudley who was also very large.

"Why?" screamed Harry.

"I don't know" shrugged Vernon "Why not."

So that night they left and arrived many hours later at the shack in the middle of nowhere just in time to sleep. And they did not wake up until many hours later…

"BOOM!" said the door, which had just crashed down as a huge man walked through.

"AGGHH!" screamed Harry sitting up "Who the heck are you!"

"Rebeus Hagrid!" said Hagrid "And I am here to eat you livestock and then tell you a secret."

"We don't have any livestock you great idiot!" said Aunt Petunia who couldn't help but wake up.

"NO LIVESTOCK!" roared Hagrid pounding on his big monkey chest.

"STOP THAT RACKET!" screamed Harry

"YOU'RE A WIZARD HARRY!" yelled Hagrid.

"I know." Said Harry

"You do?" said Hagrid Petunia, Vernon, and Dudley.

"Yeah." Said Harry "Vernon told me that one time when he came home drunk that one day."

"YOU WHAT?" screamed Petunia "THAT'S IT! WE ARE OVER!"

"Well anyways" said Hagrid "Lets go buy your stuff" And off they went, through the chimney and into Diagon alley.

"Go in there and get your new school underwear while I go buy you something for your birthday!" said Hagrid

"But it's not my birthday!" said Harry angrily.

"ARE YOU CALLING ME A LIAR?" roared Hagrid beating Harry with a pine tree. He then galloped away like a gorilla. Harry walked into the underwear store.

"Sit down and I will make you beautiful underwear for every occasion." Said some lady. So Harry sat down beside a pretty pale blond girl.

"Why hello gorgeous" flirted Harry winking "I'd like to see the underwear your buying."

"Are you gay? Do I look gay to you?" said the girl in a cold, boyish voice.

"AGGHH!" screamed Harry in utmost horror "I thought you were a girl!"

"I get that a lot. I'm Malfoy by the way. Drakelus Malfoy" said Malfoy

"I'm Potter. Harry Potter" said Harry expecting Malfoy to freak out about meeting _the_ Harry Potter. Sure enough…

"Oh my god! You're Harry Potter?" said Malfoy excitedly "The wrestler? I saw you on Dr. Phil the other day!"

"Wha-? NO!" yelled Harry angrily "I'm not a wrestler!"

"You're right. The wrestler was much older and larger. I've never heard of you." Said Malfoy "Do you like my cucumber?" He showed Harry a cucumber, which looked like Michael Jackson"

"Ugh!" cried Harry in disgust "That is the most hideous, spitefully ugly cucumber I have ever seen! It looks like Michael Jackson!"

"How dare you!" said Malfoy angrily "I happen to be a fan of Michael Jackson! I have decided I do not like you and your cucumber hating ways! I will now always call you by your last name whenever I see you!"

"I will too!" said Harry. There is nothing that says 'I don't like you' like calling someone by his or her last name. Harry grabbed his underwear and stomped out the door and found Hagrid on the other side.

"I bought you a bird for yer birthday Harry! Her name's Hedwig!" said Hagrid handing Harry a cage.

"An owl!" said Harry happily "I've always wanted an owl." He opened the cage.

"Not an owl you great buffoon!" yelled Hagrid "A flesh-eating-tiger-bird."

"AGGHH!" yelled Harry as the bird tried to eat his flesh. He managed to shove the bird back in the cage.

"Time to buy a wand!" yelled Hagrid pushing Harry into Oleanders wand shop.

"Who the heck are you and why are you in my store?" screamed the paranoid Oleander behind the counter.

"We came to buy a wand stupid!" yelled Harry.

"Well then have one! Have two! Have a million! Just get out of my store!" said Oleander throwing wands at them. Harry and Hagrid gathered as many wands as they could carry and ran out of the store.

"Why didn't we go to the bank to get my millions yet?" screamed Harry throwing away all his supply of wands. He chose to keep the pink one because it was shiny.

"IF YOU WANT MONEY GET A JOB!" screamed Hagrid who was eating his supply of wands. "Hurry up your train leaves in twelve minutes"

Harry and Hagrid ran very quickly all the way to the train station. Then they realized they were at the wrong train station so they ran to half way to Kings Cross and realized they could take the bus. So they took the bus and finally got to their destination half an hour later.

"Hurry up you slow fat-face!" yelled Hagrid "Go to platform nine and three quarters!"

Harry went to platform nine and three quarters and realized that there was no platform nine and three quarters.

"Hurry up!" screeched a very ordinary red headed witch who was with many children "Get on the platform before the Hogwarts express leaves without you!"

"Hogwarts express!' said Harry happily "Excuse me madam but how do you get on the platform?"

"ARE YOU STUPID?" screamed the witch rudely "HOW DO YOU THINK? THE SAME WAY YOU GET ON ANY PLATFORM! RUN THROUGH THE WALL! IDIOT!"

"Eek!" screamed Harry who was very frightened by this lady. He was so scared he took his suitcase and flesh-eating-tiger bird and ran through the wall. To his happiness the train was on the other side. He got on the train and found a nice comfy compartment all to himself just as the train left.

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You should review now! And ideas would be helpful if you have any. 


	2. Chapter Two

**Chapter Two**

**The Vanishing Glass**

When Harry had almost fallen asleep the compartment door opened and one of the redheaded witch's son's walked in. He had enormously long red hair and so many freckles it made some people want to kill themselves. Since his family was so poor he was wearing paper bags as clothes.

"Can I sit with you?" said the boy hopefully. "I'm not contagious anymore."

"No." said Harry.

"TOO BAD!" screamed the boy sitting down. "I'm Ron Weasley by the way. Well… at least I think I am! My family is extremely poor, my dad has an unhealthy habit of eating muggles and my mom is a raving lunatic. I also have many siblings who are just as scary as me. I'm not scary! DO YOU THINK I'M SCARY? WHO ARE YOU?"

"Harry Potter." Said Harry.

"Oh my god!" screamed Ron "The wrestler?"

"NO, GOD DAMNIT!" screamed Harry.

"Oh…" said Ron "Want to see my rat?"

"No" said Harry.

"TOO BAD!" screamed Ron taking a dead rat out of his pocket.

"He's dead." Said Harry.

"I know," said Ron putting the rat back in his pocket. There was a suddenly a large noise as a bushy haired, bucktooth girl barged through the door.

"Have you seen a sloth?" asked the girl in an annoying complainy voice "A boy named Nevelus has lost one."

"Is that it in your paper bag pocket Ron?" asked Harry.

"NO!" yelled Ron. Taking a hairy tuna sandwich out of his pocket. "It's a tuna sandwich!"

"Oh!" said the girl sitting down beside Harry "Are you doing magic?"

"No!" screamed Harry "Who are you?"

"I'm Hermione Granger!" said Hermione "And you're that wrestler who was on Dr. Phil!"

"NO I'M NOT FOOL!" yelled Harry angrily.

"Oh… My mistake" said Hermione "You know, I have been doing a few spells on my own want to see?"

"No" said Harry.

"TOO BAD!" screamed Ron

"Ok here it goes!" Said Hermione waving her wand "Kadefulius!"

Suddenly a time warp appeared in the compartment.

"Well I'm going back in time now to see world war one and three quarters! Bye!" and she jumped in the warp.

'What an annoying unpleasant foolish girl!" remarked Harry.

"NO REMARKING UNDER MY ROOF!" screamed Ron beating Harry on the head with the dead rat who happened to be named Scabbery-Pie until the door opened again. This time it was that unpleasant Malfoy and two very large boys.

"You!" shrieked Malfoy "Don't think I have forgotten about your rudeness in the underwear store!"

"I didn't _Malfoy_," said Harry unpleasantly

"I didn't think you did _Potter"_ said Malfoy coldly.

"_Malfoy_" said Harry.

"_Potter_!" said Malfoy. It went on like this for approximately five hours.

"STOP IT!" screamed Ron.

"Oh! Where are my manners!" said Malfoy "These are my pathetic henchman's, Crabby, and Doily." He pointed to the two large boys behind him.

"Haha!" laughed Ron "They're quite large!"

"Shut up!" yelled Malfoy "And I know who you are! Paper clothes, red hair, and too many freckles! You must be an Andrews!"

"Nope!" said Ron.

"No? A Potley?" asked Malfoy.

"Nope" said Ron.

"A Wetherbee?" asked Malfoy confused.

"Nope!" said Ron.

"Wha-? I give up! Who the heck are you?" asked Malfoy who was getting very angry.

"I'm a Weasley!" said Ron proudly showing Malfoy his ID, which was fake and made out of Kleenex.

"Oh… never heard of them" said Malfoy meanly, he then cast a spell to make the glass in the window vanish "MUAHAHA! Now you will be cold! Crabby, Doily lets get out of here, later _Potter_, and…uhhh…_Weasley_"

When they were gone Ron looked at Harry in disgust.

"What a jerk! He didn't even know my name!" said Ron.

"Eek!" yelled Harry who was trying not to fly out the window "Let's go sit somewhere else!"

So Ron and Harry left to find anther seat. They soon found a compartment with Ron's twin brothers in it. Harry knew they were Ron's brothers because they were also wearing paper bags for clothes.

"Harry these are my brothers, Benny and George!" said Ron.

"Ron!" screamed Benny terrified "Do you remember what mom said she'd do to you if you become friends with wrestlers?"

"She said she'd beat you with pitchforks and then ship you off to Ireland to live with the Scottish people." Said George.

"I'M NOT A WRESTLER!" screamed Harry loudly.

"Oh." Said George "Sorry. Odd resemblance."

"Anyways," said Benny "We'd better be going if were going to blow up the girls bathroom with Angelina in it, before it's too late."

"Good Idea!" said George and they left.

'Your brothers seem much less…uh…um…disturbed than you." Said Harry.

"I'M NOT DISTURBED!" screamed Ron hitting Harry with his weapon of choice (his dead rat).

"WE ARE AT HOGWART'S! EVERYBODY GET OFF THE TRAIN OR I'LL KILL YOU!" yelled the train conductor on the loudspeaker.

"Lets go!" said Ron and him and Harry got of the train.

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Please review kind people!


	3. Chapter Three

**Chapter Three**

**The Letters from No One**

As they got of the train all the first years were gathered up by Hagrid and brought to the lake.

"We will cross the lake here!" screamed Hagrid.

"Where's the boat's you big oaf!" screamed Ron angrily.

"BOAT?" screamed Hagrid "WERE SWIMMING YOU STUPID IDIOTS! GET IN THE WATER!"

Hagrid began throwing the students in the lake and then forced them to swim across by whipping them with a very large whip. When all the first years had gotten across the lake their backs were very sore.

"WHAT!" screamed Harry angrily staring up at Hogwarts "I kill the dark lord and this is what you give me? This castle is old and crappy!"

"DON'T TALK TO MY MOM LIKE THAT!" screamed Hagrid punching Harry in the face.

"Your moms a castle?" asked Ron.

"Gasp!" gasped Hagrid "How dare you! My mom might be huge but you still can't call her a castle! HOW DARE YOU!" He then beat up Ron. Suddenly a time warp opened and Hermione walked out of it in silky pajamas.

"I'm Baaaaaack!" said Hermione in her annoying complainy voice.

"Oh NOOOO!" said many people.

"Students! Come into the castle!" said a stern witch with very large glasses and a hat that said 'I see pineapples' on it "I am professor Mcgonigal! Follow me! HAGRID STOP BEATING UP PEOPLE!"

The first years followed Mcgonigal into the castle and into the great hall. The ceiling was cool because it was bewitched to look yellow.

"I will call the first years up one by one. When your name is called you will try on the sorting sock and be sorted into your house!" said Mcgonigal "Ron Weasley!"

Ron went up and put of the sock.

"Gryffindor!" said the sock.

"WhooHoo!" said Ron sitting with his brothers. Five minutes later Harry was called up.

"Yay!" said Harry putting on the sock.

"Oh my god!" screamed the sock. "Harry Potter! The wrestler from Dr. Phil!"

"NO!" screamed Harry.

"Oh Okay! Gryffindor!" said the sock

"NOOOOO!" screamed Harry "I want to be in Slyhterin!"

"TOO BAD!" screamed Ron from the audience.

"CRAP!" screamed Harry sitting between Ron and Hermione. In the front off the room an old ugly man stood up and began to speak.

"I AM THE MIGHTY DUMBLEDORE!" screamed Dumbledore "NOW EVERYBODY GO TO YOUR FRIGGIN DORMS ALREADY! AND…uh…VOLDEMORT!"

"But I'm hungry!" cried Ron. "AND I DO NOT SMELL LIKE OLIVE OIL! IT'S JUST AN ALLUSION!"

"Here eat this poison cactus!" screamed Hermione handing Ron the cactus.

"Yummy!" said Ron eating the cactus. And since the cactus was poisonous Ron turned purple.

"THAT MAKES NO SENSE!" screamed harry angrily.

"You heard the man! Go to your dorms!" screamed Percy Weasley whose paper clothes said his identity.

"I KNOW THE WAY! FOLLOW ME MY UGLY FRIENDS!" screamed Ron as he led the way.

Harry and Hermione where forced to leave and follow Ron to the dorm. But after three hours of walking they realized that Ron had no idea were the dorm was. And by that time they were very lost.

"Why oh why didn't we follow Percy!" said Ron sadly.

"Because you told us you knew the way!" said Hermione.

"Oh Shut up!' said Ron "Stupid know it all!"

"A door!" said Harry happily. He had just found a door. "Lets go in!" so they went in. And inside they found a giant peanut with three heads.

"ROAR!" roared the peanut

"EEK!" screamed Ron and they ran out of the room.

"What was that doing there?" asked Harry.

"Obviously guarding something. Oh look! The dorm!" said Hermione pointing at a big door with the words 'Gryffindor Dorm' on it.

"Password?" asked the door.

"We don't know it!" said Ron pointing out the obvious.

"THEN GUESS!" screamed the door angrily.

"Wait!" said Hermione "We can just open the door by ourselves." So they opened the door and went in to find a huge party inside.

"WHY ARE YOU PARTYING!" screamed Ron

"We're celebrating Thomas Kinkade!" said George.

"Who?" asked Harry.

"The old guy who invented the sorcerers gravestone! It's a gravestone that can make you live forever!" said Bennie.

"Ooh! Carpet!" screamed Ron eating the carpet off the floor.

Suddenly Hedwig, the flesh-eating-tiger-bird flew in and dropped a letter on Harry's head. He then began eating people's flesh.

"Ohh a letter!" screamed Harry opening the letter, which did not have a name on it.

"What does it say? Who's it from?" asked Hermione who had just fallen in a hole in the floor and was still there.

"It says: 'Mr. Harry Potter you smell like expired cheerios.' And it's from no one!" said Harry mysteriously.

"Ooh! Mysterious!" aid Hermione who was still stuck in the hole.

"Very" said Harry "We'll get to the bottom of this if it's the last thing we do!"

"But Harry!" complained Hermione "I don't want to!"

"TOO BAD!" screamed Ron. Well, that's what he meant to say, but since he had a large amount of carpet in his mouth it sounded more like he said "Tuba"

"I love tuba's!" screamed Harry who then went to bed and dreamt about water beetles and coconut flavored paper.

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I know this Chapter sucks but you should Review anyway! 


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